Cleamess

This was on a massive bilboard in Kunming. If you can figure out what they are trying to say, you win my eternal respect:

Cohesion of charm and crosscurrent of material appetency, providing you with a sense of cleamess.

What the hell does that mean? Cleamess? How do I get a sense of cleamess?

Man-mading Water Cave

This is on the nicely printed map of the Water Caves. Keep in mind I copied this word for word keeping all punctiation and capitalizations exactly as they were printed:

IMPORTANT! There are many FAKE "water Cave".

In Yangshuo, a certain Water Cave called by some caves, whom make use of the reputation of Water cave, man-mading the waterway entrance of Water Cave's feature, and following the Water Cave's scenery name, and so on, cause you take a mistake to tour.

I don't even know where to begin with this. The only thing I understand from this is that there are fake water caves. I did not know that man-made could be a verb. Not only is the Chinglish so bad, but they Photoshoped the image so that it looks more appealing. From what I can see, they made the water blue, made the water extend farther right than it actually does, made the people and boat smaller (the entrance to the cave is definitely lower), and put in a totally different sign to the caves. It it hard to tell exactly from my photo, but I think you can see the difference. Oh No! . . . Maybe I went to a man-mading water Cave!

Not the Real Price

Not really a bad translation, but I was on the phone with a travel agent and I had found a cheap price online and she found it but then she told me that it was not actually there. In her exact words:

Maybe they put a cheaper price to attract you, but it is not the real price.

Well that makes me trust what's online. I am glad they put false prices online so that I will want to buy a ticket. Nevermind the unpleasant feelings I have when I find out that is a fake price!

Invalid

On the list of articles that can be carried free of charge on the plane:

A fully collapsible invalid's wheelchair and or a pair of crutches and/or braces or other prosthetic device for the passenger's use provided that the passenger is dependent upon them.

Do we say invalid anymore? Is it me or does that just sound so un-PC.

Special brewed coffer

Another winner from the same hotel in Kunming:

After a delicious a Chinese meal or a weastern meal, in the evening, perhaps you want to have a cup of cappuccino, probably you will be very glad to find out our special brewed coffer better than you had last time somewhere else.

I can't wait to probably be very glad to find their coffer better than the last time I had it somewhere else.

Come into your ear

While looking for hotels in Kunming, I found this prize sentence:

The soft music will come into your ear.

Scary, I don't want music coming into my ear.

bulabula

An email I received in response to an ad I placed online to be a tutor:

Our school now very urgent seeking a parttime spoken man,from Mon to Fri 1H/Day,RMB4000/month (like RMB200/H) plus commission He or she should is a white forgener and older at least look like a manager.but in fact the job so easy just be there and say bulabula I think its a very good job if you or any of your friends intrest pls contect 86648296 best regards!

Metal sound

Selected sentence from a sign on a stone at the Yuyuan Gardens in Shanghai.

It likes metal sound when it is knocked at.

Not sure what they are trying to say here. The stone likes the sound of metal? I assume they mean that when you knock on the stone it sounds like metal. This confirms my belief that when translating signs into another language, get someone whose native language it is to do the translating.

What language?

Alex calls a travel agent and says:

Alex: Do you speak English?
Travel agent: What language do you speak?